more pearls than whine

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Putting my toe in the water

My First Entry - I doubt that I'll include this much every time!
I only recently discovered this wonderful avenue of expression. Where was I when this was happening? Everything is timing, right? I guess I wouldn't have been ready before now.

Anyway, I have some different ideas I want to explore and have been writing them in my head since I flirted with the idea of keeping a blog.

Keeping an online journal is ironic for me ... I have a hard time writing anything down on paper, especially letters to people. It might be evidence. It might hurt someone's feelings. Who knows what it might do. It's a bit of a mental block (understatement). This blog is a way for me to go past "what other people think." I think I've gone beyond those childhood fears mentally, and maybe I have, but emotionally it's a different matter. Maybe I just need to look at things in an entirely new way.

Changing the Past: It has been maybe 20 years ago that I read a book by Ken Grimwood called Replay, which is about a 42 year old (apx) man who has a heart attack, dies and wakes up in his 18 year old body fully conscious of everything that had happened from 18 to 42. It happens again and again, but each time he wakes up in an older body (19, 24, etc.). You get the idea. What he does each time is fascinating in itself, but it had a strong impact on me. It enabled me to look at my past from an entirely different viewpoint. I've been thinking about this again lately. It's kind of addictive ... imagining a whole different life, imagining what I might have done differently. It's kind of like having a bird's-eye view ... a little more objectivity.

Generally, I avoid looking at my past. I didn't have the worst or the best childhood, but I wasn't all that pleased or proud of what I'd done or what I hadn't done. By changing the past, it almost feels as though I truly did change the past ... I could see what could be changed, what I might not have been able to do anything about and even forgive ... others, but especially myself.

Here's a mild example. If my 58 year old consciousness went back into my 13 year old body, what would I have done differently? I would have been a better student, for sure... hmmm, 7th and 8th Grade at Franklin Junior High School in Metuchen, New Jersey. Whew. Was I clueless! I had no confidence whatsoever. Some people remember all of their teachers. Not me. I'm sure I have selective forgetting -- probably because I've avoided thinking about my youth forever. However, different moments do pop into the forefront.

Pancakes in the Trunk
I remember having to give a speech in my 8th grade class. We were to tell a humorous anecdote so I went through my parents' books (They belonged to Book of the Month Club) and found a "Treasury of Humor." ... Well, I found a humorous story that had something to do with pancakes in a trunk. I don't remember it, but I thought it was very funny at the time. I remember getting up in front of the class and telling the anecdote. No one laughed. Blank faces stared back at me. At the time I figured it was all me ... I couldn't tell a joke. I was a failure. Funny how we get erroneous messages. Sure, my timing was probably off and the humor may have been too obscure for the audience, but looking at it now, the other students were probably more concerned about having to get up there and take their turns at comedy. I'd like to think that. But I've allowed that experience to keep me from telling jokes ... because I think I'm going to be really bad at it - (maybe that's true, but maybe it isn't). So, I don't tell jokes. But, I admire stand-up comedians and I imagine making an audience laugh has to be incredibly rewarding. If I had it to do over again knowing what I know, I might choose better material, I might be more comfortable with the audience, and if they still didn't laugh .... well, maybe it wasn't me.

I've looked for it but have never been able to find that pancake joke.

Addictions
This is a huge subject which will need more than a few lines, but I'll introduce it here. Could I have kept my mother from drinking? Probably not, but maybe I could have engaged her more person to person ... gotten her involved in something more outside of herself so that she had less time to turn within. Could I have influenced her to let go of smoking? Probably not. Maybe if I became "allergic" she would have modified her habits. It would be hard to go return to 1960 and have to experience all that secondhand smoke. Blegh!

How I Became ... No Longer a Smoker
If I went back in time conscious of what I know, I definitely would not pick up one cigarette. I don't remember exactly when I started. Maybe when I was 16? It was "forbidden" and therefore alluring and seemed like an exotic thing to do. I remember smoking Newports and Kools in the early days.
That first poisonous inhale was really quite awful. It made me dizzy. I Remember it vividly... I would definitely take that back. Generally being an addictive personality, it's easy to figure out what happened eventually. Cigarettes became my best friend, or so I thought. I switched to nonmenthols and "lighter" cigarettes over the years.

In 1987 I actually ceased to smoke for about 8 months. I knew I needed to stop smoking ... hey, it's just not healthy. I told myself that if I reached a certain weight, I would stop. I had pneumonia (the only time I ever had it) and reached my goal weight (which I'd set too low). I got on the scale one morning (before I had a smoke) and looked down at the dial and thought, "Oh, Shit." It was the impossible weight. Time kind of stopped in that moment. I Knew that it would never be easier than in that moment. It was as if "Spirit" was giving me a gift and I had only to accept it. I didn't have a cigarette. I accepted the gift. So, I breathed in air or drank water when I wanted a cigarette (and I hyperventilated for a couple of days). I sat with my smoker friends at work during lunch ... And it did Not bother me.

Things went well for a while. Moved, was in a different environment and having coffee one day with a neighbor who smoked. I played a little mental game that day and lost ... "I should be able to be moderate. I should be able to have a cigarette without getting carried away." I Knew I shouldn't have picked up that cigarette, but I did it anyway. In a week I was again a serious smoker. I must have still had something to learn.

I learned to be a considerate smoker. I went outside to smoke. But I was full-blown smoking. I had thrown away that gift ... painless "quitting."

In 1993 I was still smoking, but knew I needed to change that status, but how? Some people are moderate and not addictive people and have no problem "quitting" habits. For others it is nearly impossible. It has nothing to do with logic or reason. The addiction is emotional. It's your so-called "best friend." Illusory comfort. I know I have a hard time starting something, but once I do, I'm okay. But addictive I am.

During this time I had gone back to college and was taking summer school courses. I had 2 cartons of cigarettes in the car. I Knew I needed to stop smoking ... hey, it isn't healthy and I'm getting older, but stopping didn't appear to be in the picture. I had some conditions, too. I didn't want to be a bitch right after I stopped and I didn't want to start eating everything in sight. One week in June of 1993 I had three incidents happen, and I can't remember the second thing, but I remember the other two. I went to a Tae Kwon Do meet to watch my son perform. I went outside for a smoke at one point and a small boy of about four years old looks up at me and says very calmly and matter-of-factly in an adult manner, "Why do you smoke?" I mumbled something in reply, but I recognized that I was getting a "heads up" ... a bit of golden-tongued wisdom. "Spirit" was using what it had at hand to get through to me. Summer school went from Monday through Thursday. The third thing happened on Friday morning. I woke up with a sore throat. I never have a sore throat in the morning. I remember standing at the sink in my bathroom and Knowing that the only reason I had that sore throat was to make me pause before I automatically pick up a cigarette. And miracle of miracles, I had the choice in the moment ... where it felt like time stood still again ... to accept the gift.

For three days I sat numbly, forgot to breathe, then hyperventilated, drank water. There was no desire to have a cigarette because of these things:

  • I didn't quit. I simply became "no longer a smoker." There was nothing to fight, nothing to push against.
  • Smoking simply wasn't an option. No matter what, I could never have one puff.
  • It was Not my best friend. It was a false friend.

The Student Center at the college allowed smoking in one section at that time. That fall when I left that building and walked across campus, I noticed the back of my throat tasted like car exhaust. I realized it was from the secondary smoke and decided not to work in or frequent smoky environments in the future.

My system doesn't tolerate cigarette smoke any more. I choose not to eat in restaurants where smoking is permitted. I'm matter of fact about it, but that's just the way it is for me.

I have compassion for anyone with an addictive personality and a smoking habit. Although it has been almost 12 years since I last had a cigarette, I know that I am a "Smoke-aholic." To this day I can never have one puff, no matter what my treacherous mind might want to tell me. And it hasn't tried so far. If it did, I would be right back where I was. So, smoking is simply Not an option.

I've gotten carried away, naturally. This is kind of interesting! Maybe there are pearls ... or maybe not.

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