more pearls than whine

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

What? I'm just afraid? That's it?

Warning -- Big Whine ... You can just skip this spewing ... I'm pumping out my own stomach and it's nasty business ... and y'all don't care anyway.

I'm making myself crazy. What perversity of human nature, what character flaw, what lack of discipline, what lack of will ... yada yada yada ... allows me to wallow in a rut ... unable to make some badly needed changes in my behavior and beliefs: I'm behaving badly and I don't believe in myself. Well, it must be true if I think I'm a failure. It must be true if I whine and carry on and don't do anything to get unstuck. It must be true if I can't seem to take the needed action to make desirable changes ... and I think this goes way back.

Why, when I have so many wonderful tools available to make the needed changes, am I still unable to take action? Why?

Things I need to know first: I need to know what it is I want ... and then figure out how to get myself to take that first step and then actually take it.

I've heard that the first step is the hardest and that's no lie. If I can work through this, maybe I'll understand the dynamic ... instead of waiting for a moment where time stops and I'm able to pivot and step out on a new track.

Am I afraid of success? Maybe. Am I just afraid? Maybe I am. " I am Lindie .... and I'm a scaredy cat." Hmmmmm

Maybe I should figure out why I'm stuck. This talking business might help me figure it out. Well, one of my reasons for writing in this blog is its application as a tool for self-healing ... this is the growing myself up part. So I guess it is a jump start for change, because I'm actually working on it, giving it my attention, trying to get my head and heart in alignment ... actually, my whole body, including my inner ones ... my whole self.

When I say this "stuckness" goes way back, here is a little example that was big at the time:

Jump Rope ... Two girls are swinging a rope and I have to jump in. I watch the rope, my head starts to swing in time with the rope, and keeps swinging and swinging and it feels like it will go on forever. Can I jump in? I am afraid. I can't do this. Sometimes I can actually jump in, but more often I can't. It seems like an impossible hurdle, this act of simply jumping into the swinging rope. The message I gave myself in 1957 for not being able to jump into the rope: I was a failure.

I'm gonna try a little stream of consciousness here: If I can't seem to do anything right ... (my perception? ... or feedback from without or lack of it?) then maybe if I don't do anything, I won't do anything wrong. Not likely.

Big mud pie.

So, I've decided that at this time three areas require my taking action ... and that I must decide what I don't want and what I do want in each of them. This should be a good trick. They are self image (I'm not happy with myself on several levels), clutter (understatement), and creative output (it's in stasis). I do believe this blog business is shaking things up ... and that's a good thing.

Maybe if I DO something, I won't beat myself up so badly. Do I feel better now that I've puked this up? As a matter of fact, yes.

2 Comments:

  • a wise woman once told me this:
    "the surest cure for INACTION is ACTION."

    *grin* maybe you know her.

    (matt)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:30 PM  

  • that's so true ... thanks for reminding me

    By Blogger Lindie, at 8:50 PM  

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