more pearls than whine

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

One person's courage ... to LET HER SPEAK

While I was walking my dog along the lake road this evening, I was thinking about a brief encounter with a visitor today.

I would have liked to visit with her, ask impertinent questions, find out her "story," because everybody has one. Hers sounded like it would be more unique and interesting than most ... filled with boldness and courage, but I never got the details. Ah ... the missed story.

In any case, the encounter did make me think about courage, itself. I could say, "I wish I had her courage!" Whatever her courage actually was ... I had the sense that perhaps she listened to her inner voice and went wherever it guided her, that she did what was important to her. I'd like to think that was true. To do that would certainly require courage, especially if what you wanted to do was unconventional or difficult for friends and family to grasp.

Then I thought that maybe that it didn't really require "Courage" because it was so natural and not at all difficult to walk her path, because that's the way she was made ... and it wouldn't occur to her to do things any other way. Maybe it only looks courageous to someone else looking in from the outside, who doesn't have the same kind of courage ... who couldn't have possibly done those same things.

People lacking that particular type of courage certainly have courage of their own, in areas they take for granted. They just don't realize it. Because it comes naturally, it doesn't actually take "courage."

Here's a very small example. I will go anywhere by myself. In a car, plane, bus, train ... whatever. I went to Mexico a few years ago by myself (not a tour). I'll go to a movie by myself, or eat out in a restaurant. I discovered that "everybody" doesn't do that ... and in fact, some would be afraid or at least uncomfortable ... and simply not do it. To someone else, I might be brave and courageous. That wouldn't be true. It is just natural for me.

Even when I was a teenager, I would go to movies by myself. It didn't make sense to me to have a "date" just to go to the show if I didn't actually like the person. Other people did it all the time. I guess I never traveled in a pack ... and I certainly wouldn't have had some of the experience that I've had if I hadn't been by myself. Maybe those "others" would just consider me "odd." Entirely possible!

I might do these "social" things with someone else ... but only if that person is good company and can travel in harmony. Otherwise, it just isn't fun. I like my own company (thank goodness!) and am just not a person who is easily bored .... although I might be "boring," even though my daughter says I'm not.

But, I might need courage to stand up for myself, to speak up, to let my voice out. Do I even know what my inner voice says? Have I muffled it somehow? Do I have the courage to LET HER SPEAK?

Talk about stream of consciousness here! Wow! I had a spiritual dream long ago ... maybe 25 years ... that is still vivid. It was a bright, you-are-there type of dream where sound was coming out of my pores in 360 degree angles ... and I heard exactly that ... LET HER SPEAK! Amazing! I will have to ponder that.

I guess finding courage ... or inner strength ... requires stretching the self and discovering it within. It appears that I will need to listen.

Monday, April 18, 2005


How is it that I suddenly develop an allergy to what is in the air? Or did I always have it, but now it is more pronounced?

I woke up this morning and sneezed three times before I even got out of bed ... the kind of sneezes that tease you until they crest and then roll over you ... completely satifsying sneezes. That was kind of fun.

But, It wasn't an isolated moment. Everything escalated and the rest of the day went downhill from there ... it involved an entire box of tissues, more sneezes, instantly refilled sinuses, and a drippy nose. I can't even breathe through my nose right now. It makes me feel as though I'm sick, which I'm not. It's just totally unpretty.

So what ... so I had an allergic day. I could wake up tomorrow just fine.

Allergic? Hah! What if I refuse to be allergic?

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Definitely a Pearl

There's nothing wrong with me, there's nothing wrong with me, there's nothing wrong with me!

I've been chanting this to myself all day and I feel great. Maybe it's just the day, maybe it's a shift in consciousness.

In clearing out Stuff (Decluttering Project Blog), I came upon a book called There's Nothing Wrong With You. Wow. What a concept.

Actually the cover has more on it. It says

Regardless of what you've been told There's Nothing Wrong With You Revised Edition ... Going Beyond Self-Hate ... A compassionate process for learning to accept yourself exactly as you are, by Cheryl Huber, who is "a student and teacher of zen for over 30 years." On the back cover ... "We will attempt to explain that you have been unable to fix yourself because there is nothing wrong with you, but there is quite a lot 'wrong' with what you have been taught to believe about yourself and about life."

It really is quite extraordinary.

And, that trying to FIX yourself perpetuates the myth that there is something that needs fixing.

Whatta concept!

There's nothing wrong with me.

The idea is ... once you embrace yourself as you are, then all those things you've been trying to fix fall away by themselves because they don't need to be there to help perpetuate the myth that there's something wrong. Does that make sense?

Pretty convoluted.

I like it.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Panic! No Internet Access for a Day!

Whew. I'm back! I couldn't connect yesterday and naturally figured my computer was at fault. It has been acting up lately and needs a serious scrubbing. If I knew how to scrub it, I would!

I remembered to call my provider before I left work today. It turns out a bridge went out due to flooding and took essential cable with it ... 50 miles away.

But just in case I can't get online at home ...

What do I do if my computer fails me? Because I like to have what if alternatives ... and because I'm still not 100% sure I'll be able to get online at home, I stopped at the public library to get online for an hour ... just in case. I've had my fix and also took care of some essential transactions.

How addicted am I? I'm so addicted that ...

Well, if all else fails, I can go to the public library!